*A Last Serenade

Yea.. I know.. I  only update when something goes wrong.


I seriously think I have lost track of my own life.

What the hell  of a life have I been living for the past year.
I must be blinded by the things happening around me.

I have never isolated myself in years..... and I mean many Yearsss.

What am I doing now?
I dont know?
Probably just trying to live a life of my own like yea right as if I can get used to it.

All of a sudden, I just want to put everything behind me and walk away.
I feel like deep down in there, I have given up.

I know I have done my bestest but it just never seem enough.

Oh wells. I'm pathetic bitch who has no one to talk to.

And no birthday celebration for me this year. no big of a deal.

*sorry seems to be the easiest word of come out of one's mouth these days but it isn't the easiest way to digest it.

How long was that? 4 monthsand a week?

I officially declare that I am S A D...

I feel damn fucked up.


Year 1 Sem 2...

I screw up my diploma, wishing I could turn back to the time where I was selfless.
I would be good if I haven't started night life then.
It literally screwed my life 180 degrees.

Unjustice...

I did so much for my fyp and all I got was a C+.
I officially Dislike Hee .. and That second accessor should have clarified with me more rather than rushing through with my 10 mins of Q & A
The rest got Cs and one D+. Seriously not FAIR!
I literally teared at work when bay called and told me my fyp grade was a C+.
So much hard work.. not appreciated.. not paid off.
There is no justice. =\

Beggar...

Right now with my fucked up GPA, I feel darn hopeless.
No job. No money to go overseas to study..
No eligibility to admit into local University.

I mean.. I have a job.. ok maybe two jobs..
But it isn't field related at all.
sigh.

2008...

Last year was a year bad enough for me... Why cant things be fairer this time round?

2009

Whether people have learnt or not learnt their lessons, I have learnt mine this time round . I should deserve much more.


Planning for the future...

So now, I'm feeling lost.
I'm in between Sports Science and Dietetics.
I want to study... hard.
RP was a wasted three years cause we listen and we forget..
Now I am out.. I want to study from books and materials.
I still don't like exams but I just want to gain knowledge with hard work.

Pleading to God... ...

If only I am given a chance to prove to others that I am still capable of studying.
I will do it with will power..

 
Relationship...

I don't know what to say.. Everytime that happens.. I start to feel insecure..
I have the tendency to hold myself back as there is this overwhelming feeling of betrayal, fear and phobia.
I am starting to wonder..
If this is going to last.
because I am going crazy.

the 100th day is coming! =]]
excited...

but then on the other hand...
there are still stuff that is still hindering me deep down.
I know what is it, just aint gonna say it out.
Guess its just the insecurity that still lingers.

Tired lately,
I feel I have been thrown around.
Not only that...
My own family members are all trying to buy me.
The thing is... I am not buying any and all of them.
Thinking I will stand on their side when shit happens is so not going to happen.

Sigh.
Tell me why do I never fail to get caught in the middle.

1. I feel like friggin shag and I totally need to sleep
    So tired sleeping 2 2 plus 3 am every night with my hair wet. 0_0
2. I think I just wasted..... 150 bucks at least on the STUPID MQs
    Reason being, SBF screw up my registration with ATBC or PBC last year so they dont have my records of my averaged. 
    Fucked up or what.
    So I had no choice but to play youth category. which I am obviously wasting money. Like duh.
3. Part of the other reason I didnt play well is because..... I am darn tired of bowling and I totally didnt feel like bowling yesterday.
    I guess that is the reason why I couldnt even bowl a 700 series yesterday. -_-
    NO! one more.. I saw some bitch during the 5pm squad... 
    The moment I saw her I knew it was her and it was just that stupid 6th sense that I have and .....
     totally another bitch told her to come down
    It totally spoilt my mood for bowling in the 6pm and 7pm squad.
4. I am broke. like duh.
5. ... School is bad... I hate biomechanics.. i think most of the reason why is because I dislike that stupid Jap Arse.
    Doctorate then go back japan and teach lah. fucked up. Come to Singapore to teach ... out of 10 sentence unferstand 7 to 8...... how to
    be fair with grading. friggin bastard. And that is why I am not going to his class because I have this issue with him. Well, not only myself..   
    It  appears that many have this issue with him. fucking piece of Jap.

Whatever it is....

I feel so sick of life.
 

The End.

I'm starting to feel that you are one who does not keep to your own words.


I know its still there for me ....

But i'm starting to lose the hang of it.

For once in a very long time, I am starting to feel lost.

Not knowing what to do and not understanding myself with what I want.


Havent felt so down in ages and shittly I'm in it now.

I just feel like backing off.. Just walk away.

Don't tell me that everytime we part ... you'll always have to do something unconsciously wrong to make me want to walk away.

...

To think that what has happend in the past was all over.

It never did go away.

It was wrong for me to do what I have done and I am sorry

But it has always been my intuition which drives me to become aware of something, get things done and find out about things.

I cant get what I saw off my head .. no matter how hard I ask myself to forgive you.

I cant.

You asked me if I have ever loved you at all from the start.

I dont have to answer a yes or a no.

My answer is - once ......... before...... and you busted it.

Crashed and burnt it so bad that all I feel now is numbness with hints of pain.


Everytime you give that tight hug... it just reminds me of what you have said
And first thing it does is that it turns me off.
It just came naturally and i have not idea.
the following emotion would be anger then the feeling of hurt

I'm leaving myself out of this...
I dont want to know anymore..

Just one last chance...
And I did not mention that I am not trying
But it's just haunting me...
im gonna try this one last chance and i have a bad feeling about it.

_________________

She gave her all to him
Never in her life
Willingly sacrificed so much for one.

Now that she has...
Whatever that has happened just made it seem like she made a wrong choice
And she got herself hurt once again..

Why do stories seem to end the same way...

It never ends.

A sudden splurge of moodiness filling the air around me.

Dont ask me why,
I'm just feeling it and I am also craving for cookies and milk.....

Random.

Frankly,  Saturday is the big day..
And I feel so unprepared all of a sudden.

I may feel that training is enough and its tiring me out but then....
I don't have the confidence....
I lost my feel to strike...

But well... Went to Warren to bowl today and Sandra was there.. and he offered baby and me some help...
I guess it was rather... productive....
I somehow got back my speed but then... i just start opening up my shoulder....
=\

Sighs....
I wish...... baby can still stay in the team to bowl for POL-ITE

Frankly, I feel I am in a bad spot now...
There are two people who are the few who are the closest to me and I may have to tell them the bad news.

Seriously, I just want to walk away from this job right after POL-ITE but i know I cant as yet.

Whatever it is.... I pray for my feel to come back.... I only ask for that and the rest I will work towards my goal.
I guess that is not too selfish to ask for?
=\

I love you baby.